Friday, August 10, 2007

ironic isn't it?

so now, 8months into the year and as always, invaluable lessons have been learnt, in the hardest way possible.

I truly believe in this - put any 2 people(preferably of e opposite sex) from any part of the world together(together as in in a form of a relationship, not just physically, duh.), and IF THEY WANT TO, it will work. Here comes the problem, the root of all problems which lead to the many broken relationships and marriages we witness - do both REALLY want it to work? so much so that they will compromise, sacrifice, tolerate, change, etc? Well, because I truly believe that if they can do all that, they WILL work.

Compatibility to me is bullshit. How many times have we heard this - "oh we just can't get along, we're so different!". Is that a good excuse to break up? Or rather, is that REALLY the PROBLEM? Well let's look at the other extreme - "oh man, i definitely don't want to date someone who's exactly like me, it'll be so boring!" My point is that no matter how similar or different you guys can be, you guys can make it work IF both of you want to.

Most arranged marriages have worked simply because both HAD to live with each other and in that, learnt how to love each other and get along even when they couldn't. Yes, that's an extreme example because in this age, we are given the liberty to choose our partners but my point is that using the "compatibility" issue as an excuse for a breakup is absolute trash to me because the truth is that you guys don't love each other enough to want it to work because there simply would be too many obstacles to tackle and changes to make. My take? - no such a thing as "we are not meant to be", it is rather "we don't want to be".

The most common reason for quarrels/arguments between partners is their differences. Be it differences in views, differences in the way they work, differences in the way they feel or differences in the way they think. And so the question remains, the one question which I've been trying very hard to answer - why quarrel when you can both have a constructive argument, debate or discussion? Why quarrel when it will cause so much stress, hurt, anger, disappointment and when it will tire both of you out? Why do it when you guys know you shouldn't?

Because you guys take each other for granted.

Notice that one will get angry more easily at her boyfriend/husband than at a colleague or a friend? Similarly, one will get hurt much faster and easier by his girlfriend/wife than by his buddy or boss. This is just the way it is. When we willingly commit ourselves to another person, we are opening up our hearts and minds to each other in a way where nobody else on planet earth can ever dream of experiencing. Isn't that the whole point of being "together"? You guys share a dream, share the love, share the joy, share the sorrow, share every possible thing/aspect/feeling that you can. I believe it takes a certain level of love in the relationship coupled with a certain degree of wanting the relationship to work for both to argue but yet love each other. But what I feel makes a mature person is when they choose to take the positive when it is seemingly easier to opt for the negative. Lost?

Example 1: It's Friday night and Jerome has made plans with Jean to meet for supper after his nightshift and was eagerly looking forward to it. The plan was to meet at 11pm but before that could materialize, Jerome received an sms from Jean that she's made a sudden change of mind and won't be meeting him because she feels it's better that she meets her mother who's spending the night alone.

Now Jerome has two obvious ways in which he can react:

1. "WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU PLAYING ME OUT? WOULDN'T I BE SPENDING THE NIGHT ALONE THEN? IS YOUR MOM MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME?"

2. "Darling, is everything okay? Your mom's alright ya?", and then talk things out in a mature, calm and loving manner.

Let's take this example but we'll do a switch in characters and instead of Jerome and Jane who are a couple, we'll have Shawn and David who are buddies.

My guess to David's reply to Shawn should Shawn play him out at such a last minute notice:

David: "What the fuck? Why couldn't you fucking tell me earlier so at least I wouldn't have to spend my friday night going home? You know how much I hate it as it's such a waste to my weekend"

Well, my point is that this shouldn't be the way to react to your partner because he/she surely means more than a homealone night right?

Or let's say David and Shawn are just mere friends who got to know one another recently, my bet would be that David would react in the most cordial way possible because he's not taking anything for granted and he definitely has no right to.

So why would you want to treat your partner more harshly and unlovingly than how mere friends or even acquaintances would treat each other?

Example 2: Sam had a rough day in school and everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong. After that horrid day at school, he met Michelle, but with a really black and unpleasant face.

Michelle also has two obvious choices:

1. Put on a black face and say "If your face is so black, I'd rather you not meet me."

2. "Oh my dear, you don't look so good. Had a rough day? What happened darling?", and proceed to helping him make his day better.

Okay I know this is a really naggy and lengthy post but I just want to drive my point across.

We shouldn't react faster to anger than we should to patience. We should get upset without first being understanding. We should be more tolerant instead of throwing our tantrums so easily because we take each other for granted that he/she will have to stick it through with us even in our ugliest state.

The truth is that our partners are the dearest to us and therefore, have the ability to hurt us the most or to create our happiest moments. Don't be too quick to anger, to easily upset, too easily hurt, too easily disappointed, too intolerant, too impatient. They are afterall, the ones who mean most to you and I think the least we can do is to show them the best of us during the worst of them. That way, every problem is resolved in a quick, smart and loving way!

Every time we're given a choice, we can choose the positive or the negative. It might seem easier to go with the negative but it really never is. The ability to see beyond the present circumstance and into the future is one rare trait.

And in that few seconds of decision-making marks the great difference between one who is MATURE and one who just isn't.

Am I making sense?


Posted by kevin. at 2:05 am